Before Miyamoto decided we could all dig a hole and crawl in (I’ll be drilling mine in his Pikmin patch), a group of covert rebel operatives, code name GOOD-FEEL, who still believe games should be played by virile young men with multiple fetishes pertaining to virtual and/or plastic females and various forms of cartoon and/or simulated violence, secretly infiltrated Nintendo HQ and concocted Wario Land: Shake It!, working incognito after hours in the recently vacated “Games This Company Was Built On” wing. There’s been no word on their whereabouts since switching out Wario Land: Shake It! with Nintendo’s new Wii Virtual Vacuum press mailing, but rumor has it they’re being held in Reggie Fils-Aimé’s basement, forced to play-test Wii Virtual Dish Washing while listening to The Best of Barry Manilow and Clay Aiken Sings the Chipmunks on a loop. We’ll have more, including the latest breaking news on reports that Yoshi tried to swallow Cammie Dunaway, as the story develops.
We urge all of our readers and anyone who sees this broadcast to show the brave men and women of GOOD-FEEL your support and appreciation. Don’t let their sacrifice be in vain. If Wario Land: Shake It! actually sells, who knows? Perhaps they’ll be set free to make another game for us cretins. Meanwhile, here’s a recap of what’s shaking in Shake It!:
• OMG! A Production I.G anime with Wario in it! I’ve died and gone to heaven!
• I’m using the Wii remote’s motion sensors and actually liking it! Call an exorcist!
• Side-scrolling will stop global warming, end the war, and give Britney her mojo back!
• Sweet baby Jesus! These bosses are the real thing! Incredible!
• Buy this game or burn in hell for all eternity!
With that out of the way, I must admit, shortly after writing my preview, I beat the Shake King (not easy!) and completed the game. I prayed on bended knee, holding a copy of Wario World with a Virtual Boy taped to my head running Wario Land, that another Continent would open, but alas, Wario Land: Shake It! is a short game made up of many short, albeit brilliant levels. The crux of the game is collecting as much treasure as you can while either eliminating or using each world’s indigenous creatures to your advantage as you make your way to a level’s end (which really isn’t) utilizing the game’s brilliant devices and play mechanics, and then plotting the perfect path back to the start in the allotted time (haul ass) using the ingenious level design and play mechanics that open up for your return trip. With any luck, you’ll come away with one or more of each level’s nonessential bonus tasks and enough loot to buy the next map from the sexy Captain Syrup. You’re gonna want to go ahead and grab that new Heart Container and a do-over as well.
Wario Land may be short—under 10 hours, depending on your skill level and tenacity—but replayability ’tis in full bloom. To finish the game 100 percent, you’re looking at probably 15 to 20 hours. Nintendo snatched our copy back, so I’ll have to get back to you on that, provided they don’t take me away in a that weird Pokémon car.
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